Stubbing

I over-think stuff. Every. Little. Thing. I cannot think of a situation where I don't analyze it to death. And that's what happened when I first started teaching. I wanted to get every little bit of the teaching process, the school day right and when it didn't go as well as I had hoped I was devastated. I felt like a failure. A fraud. I remember getting advice from a guy who started teaching a few years before me. I envied his laid back nature and his easy way with the kids. He didn't have the outgoing-Robin Williams-type teacher personality, but how realistic is that anyway? No, he loved what he taught; he loved the kids; and he felt confident enough in his skills that regardless of whether you classified a day as good or bad, in the end the kids benefited. A decade ago I didn't have that. I wasn't remotely close.

Today, I have four kids in elementary school, ranging from kindergarten to fifth grade and I have begun subbing at this same school. I feel incredibly grateful to be given this chance, especially to work at this specific school. Not only does this make logistics easy, but I have gotten to know the staff and students over the years and I have a major stake in the community. I'm excited to be a part of it.

The boys...well, they don't seem to be all that excited about it. The avoid eye contact in the halls and on the playground. I've only had Louie in class so far and I think he would prefer it if that didn't happen too often. Mere on the other hand, each day she asks, "Are you STUBBIN' today??" The boys try to correct her, but I stop them because it's so stinkin' cute and I like her enthusiasm ;)

My anxiety from when I first was teaching has returned, but I am learning to let it go. A sub steps into a teacher's shoes for the day and it is almost impossible to live up to the standards that teacher has set, or to fulfill what the perfect day at school would accomplish. And I'm learning to be ok with that. The kids are safe, I smile and give hugs a lot, and I'm enjoying getting to know my kids' friends and being a part of an educational community that I think is fantastic. I'm not sure how long I'll be "stubbing," but for right now it feels like a good fit and that's what matters.

Never too late, right?

So much of parenting can be a guilt trip, but I feel like I'm starting to move away from the point where it completely envelopes me, where I question every decision I make. I've learned a thing or two apparently after a decade of parenting.

When I started the blog I wanted it to be almost like a digital scrapbook, filled with shiny stories, bons mots, edited pictures...you can see I had very high expectations in my younger days, and that was a completely unreasonable expectation to set. Now I have allowed almost three years to pass without sitting down to remember the day-to-day tidbits that make parenting so great. I want to resolve that.

From here on out I am going to type in stories and post pictures so that I can remember and the kids can know what a special time this was for me, and hopefully, for all of us. As So-crates says about the unexamined life...I am now ready to spend more time reflecting on our time, rather than allowing busyness to dictate what path I take.